Buses

For years I've had this strong urge to prove my own free will. 

Splayed out on a bus seat after a tiring day of school, I'd snap into focus a few stops before my house to stare down the stop button and try debate myself into pressing it. My hypothesis was that I'd only do it if I had free will, as it proved I would do something of my own choice even if it was worse for me: not determined but rather carefully crafted by my own poor decisions. 

I never really ended up doing it. It's just inconvenient, and I never much felt like walking just to get home late. And besides, my inner monologue would always go something like this:

'If I press it now it proves I have free will.'

'That I have the freedom to screw up my life if I so choose.'

'It would destroy the whole idea of determinism by showing I can do something strange despite no one encouraging me or forcing me.'

'I guess I press it now.'

'But wait... if I'm only doing it now to prove I have free will, then that's already determined, and at that rate it would make just as much sense to wait till my stop, not to mention my feet hurt, and I had badminton, and...'

By the time that internal monologue was over, I'd probably be three towns over. 

I spend the majority of my time in the presence of other people - on buses, or in school, or hanging out with friends, so on and so forth - yet I only spend a relatively small portion of that time actually in conversation. Instead I'm usually stuck in strange monologues like that one. Maybe if I had no thoughts, I'd make a lot more friends.

So what's the message here? I suppose not to get stuck in your own head too much. Your mind only knows what you know anyways, so there's not much to learn there. It's pretty impossible to think the solution to your problems.

But I do wonder one last thing: why did I never get off any stops early? Was it predetermined for me to follow that train of thought to the conclusion I couldn't be bothered? Or was it an intentional act of freedom to consider two futures and choose the one I preferred?

I don't really know. My feet hurt.